Strange Phenomena around Han Geng Part 2

Original Author: Si Woo

Original Post Date: November 14, 2009

Original Post:

Translator: One Pine Tree

This is the second part of Si Woo’s “Strange Phenomena around Han Geng”.

For a better understanding of such irrational phenomena, I added a subtitle for each topic.

I also omitted Si Woo’s personal reflections on such phenomena, since I only wanted to deliver the facts in this entry.






Now I will talk about very interesting phenomena occurred at various venues of concerts or events.

Since the topic is the venue, this is all about fans.


Whenever the company (i,e. SME) had the control over the tickets, something very interesting happened at outside of the venues.


While the master of a SJ fans forum was passing out the tickets to each member’s fans, Han Geng fans were negotiating the ticket price with ticket scalpers in the corner.

The SJ fan forum is almost like an official SJ fan site in China and it has some relationships with the company.

Therefore, the company gave the tickets to the SJ forum, which passed them out to every member’s fans but Han Geng fans.


I don’t know what’s the reason behind such custom, but things was set up that way from time unknown.


At first we Geng fans thought that since the site supported ONLY 13 (i.e., because those all-fans who supported only 13 tended to dislike Han Geng), they did not share the tickets with Han Geng fans. However, they even distributed the tickets to fans of Henry and Zhomi, but not to Han Geng fans.


Thus, those Han Geng fans, who often went to venues, got used to getting tickets from scalpers.

Han Geng fans became much skilled at picking up who were scalpers among crowds and negotiating the ticket price with them.


The OPPO fan meeting in August was a perfect exemplar.

The venue was divided into two floors: only small number of Han Geng fans were seated in the both sides of the first floor but 90% of audiences on the second floor were occupied by Han Geng fans.



 This was surely not a normal situation.





One of strange phenomena was some problems related to LED-lighted signs of Han Geng fans.


The LED-lighted signs that print star’s names or symbols are very popular supporting materials in China, even more popular than blue-light sticks.


Although there used to be some minor conflicts around LED-lighted signs among fans, but things got more serious since one event this year early.  

Fans were prohibited from bringing LED-lighted signs into the venue. 

With such a sudden regulation, we were perplexed.   Later we found that a person from Pepsi-Cola was present at the venue upon the SME’s request. 


In fact, in 2008, when Coke offered to endorse Han Geng only, the company insisted on including the whole SJM group, which was a vain attempt.  Then, at this time, the Pepsi offered to endorse Han Geng only again.

Therefore, the company, with the lesson from the Coke’s case, decided to prove that Han Geng’s popularity was not that different from that of other members.  For that purpose, the company regulated the use of fans’ LED-lighted signs.  Since,  without LED-lighted signs, it was hard to tell individual member’s popularity, all the fans at the venue looked like one single fandom of SJM. 


The Pepsi person who retained a strong impression on the SJM’s popularity accepted the SME’s insist on including all SJM members so the CF deal was made. In result,  SJM successfully finished filming the Pepsi CF in February.

Regarding this matter, since the CF deal was made, Han Geng fans were happy as well so did not make a big deal out of it.


However, another serious problem occurred at Chengdu Super Show on March 7, 2009.


After the successful CF deal with the Pepsi, the company seemed to realize the effect of LED-lighted sign regulation so did not allow Han Geng fans to bring signs into the venue, including 4 large banners, each of which costed almost $4000.

Due to the oversize of the banners, Han Geng fans had to leave them outside of the venue.


But once Han Geng fans entered to the venue, they observed ridiculous situations.

Unlikely Han Geng fans, other members’ fans were able to bring all kinds of signs, boards, banners including those oversized ones that Han Geng fans had to give up.


Han Gen fans couldn’t understand such strange situations.


However, the real heart-broken incident occurred after the concert was over.


Han Geng fans found that one banner was missing and the rest three got chopped up.

Han Geng fans were outraged. 

The next day, at Super Junior bar, one fan claimed that it was she who chopped the banners up.

She was a fan of Only 13, who extended her hatred on SJM to Han Geng.


Han Geng fans had intense debates on whether or not seeking for lawful punishment or financial compensation for this hideous fan.

At the end, the master of Han Geng bar declared to make a closure by supporting Han Geng harder next time with the lesson from this incident. So things did get settled down without further turmoil.


After that incident, as Super Junior’s 3rd album promotion activities started, SJM’s activities in China decreased.

Thus there were not much conflicts among fans.


However, when SJM started the promotion activities of its mini album, the SME’s discrimination against Han Geng fans’ supporting goods started again. 

Han Geng fans  couldn’t enjoy the situation where only their supporting goods were the regulation targets by the company.


Thus at Shang Hai Super SHow II, out of a sudden, small yellow flags which printed “Geng” of Han Geng started to appear.

Since those tiny flags were easily rolled up and hidden to get sneaked into the venue, they were perfect for supporting goods.


Han Geng, who was fully aware of what’s going on around him and his fans, really enjoyed the sight of those yellow flags at the venue. Since then, those yellow flags became official supporting goods  of Han Geng fans.


At SJM’s mini album release press conference, I remember that there was only one huge LED-lighted sign of Han Geng at the back and most of Han Geng fans carried yellow flags.





Han Geng did not show up at SM concert on June 23, 2007 during so-called his eight-months dark period.

The next day, some Chinese fans covered the free board of the SM home page with the messages of “The Stage without Han Geng was even more fabulous!” 


It was around May of 2008, very critical time, when Han Geng would be decided to become a flame-bearer for the 2008 Bei Jing Olympic. That time, some ONLY 13 fans made a petition for supporting ONLY 13 movement on the streets, by deceiving the public into signing on the fake petition seeking for “Supporting the flame-bearer Han Geng”.

This nearly costed Han Geng’s qualification for a flame-bearer.  They are not ONLY 13 fans, but ONLY 12 fans, literally ANTIs of Han Geng.


In addition,  intolerable curses by those so-called only 12 fans were thrown toward Han Geng, the only person who could understand such rubbishes in Chinese, at various places of venues, airports, and hotels.



I have to be honest now. It is not a pleasant work to translate Si Woo’s entries.

Again, this entry was written even before the lawsuit.

There are three more entries that talked about the SME’s unfair treatments toward Han Geng and his fans, all of which were written before the lawsuit.

Thus this lawsuit was not really a big shock to many devoted Han Geng fans.

We knew this would occur soon, but we just did not know when.

This entry was posted in 2010 Waiting for Han GEng and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

44 Responses to Strange Phenomena around Han Geng Part 2

  1. rascalkitten says:

    Thank you very much PineTree sis for your hard work and for sharing the necessary facts.

    I need to take this out again and spread it to let people know what was going on and what SME has done to Geng and GengFans.

    How could he endure all these things for so long???

    and how did some fans expand the hatred toward him becuase of SJM? , Geng didn’t do anything wrong at all. So NONSENSE!!! and I really don’t wanna understand the reason of those narrow-minded people.

    Waiting for the next entry ,PineTree sister , Fighting!!! ^^v

  2. trueblue says:

    @ pinetree,
    With this entry that you have made,I am able to understand now,why some Gengfans were not able to enter some of the venues where there were SJ-M activities.
    Last year I happened to get to know some Gengfans who were voting online for Hangeng.I was one of those who was diligently sitting at my PC helping them to vote for HG.Strangely enough,HG lost to the opponent, even after we tallied all the categories and found that HG had the most points!
    Anyway,my point is that I got to interact with these Gengfans and we discussed if there was a possibility that the system was rigged.Actually,at that time,I thought it was so childish to be so involved in that poll.Now I realise the importance of these voting online thingy.Do these polling results affect a person’s commercial value?
    At that time there was a promotion by Pepsi in Beijing and SJ-M was there.This particular Gengfan told me that they were not able to get tickets to enter and they were outside in the hot sun!I took it as that the tickets were sold out.
    Now that I read this post,I am enlightened as to why they were not able to purchase tickets.So very sad.!
    Well let’s look at the bright side..HG decided that this must stop so that his fans will not be fooled and be mistreated(but at what a cost).So we must make known to others that all these time HG is suffering silently taking in all the abuse.Not just him but his fans too.!!
    Manipulations can only go so far because people will get wise up to those hanky-panky.
    So please don’t stop what you are doing.I know it is painful for you to translate these posts of Siwoo’s but this is one of the way we can help Geng fight back!
    It is like David and Goliath.So let us educate those who are ignorant and let this spread among others outside China who are like me not knowing the real deal.Thanks again Pinetree and please let this be a hobby and do this only in your spare and free time.Your family comes 1st.We can wait.

  3. nancy says:

    Hi onepinetree sister,thank you very much for your hard work.I also read some articles from your blog translated by Geng Bar,sorry to hear that you got sick.Hope you get better soon.Take care!

  4. amanda says:

    Hi onepinetree,

    thanks for all the hardworks pls keep on doing what u’re doing right now, let all others know what really going on behind the door with sm
    such as evil company i really hate them. how could they treat my geng baby like that.

    flighting hangeng i love u till the end !!!!

  5. whitecat says:

    thank you so much my dear pinetree^^
    after i read some trans here, i feel so blue.
    one question appears in my mind.

    why can’t SME sincerely love him and treat him like they did with other artist in the company?

    nationality?, race?, or ohh i really can’t find the answer.

    support him as much as i can maybe only thing i can do, no i can love him much too, hehe.

    i’m looking forward to read the rest 3 parts my dear.

    see you soon.

    • onepinetree says:

      I have to answer this question: The answer is that the SME does not really care any single artist….when he or she is a member of idol bands. It’s not just for Han Geng only in general. So most of Korean fans they just hate the SM from the bottom of the heart since it does not really respect their stars. The SME use them as profit makers. Those members of SJ and Girls’ generation don’t have time to take a break.

      For Han Geng, it got more serious because Han Geng himself was the channel for the Chinese market and doing SJ and SJM activities at the same time.

      In addition, Han Geng was more like a SME’s staff or manager in China due to his language skills and extensive human network. He was like a lobbyist for SJM and SME. So when other members could take some rests, he couldn’t have such a chance since he had to take care of other business.

      There are so many things untold in public, only shared by Han Geng fans. Yes, I think it’s the time to share those stories with you guys now.

      • whitecat says:

        thank you pinetree. you reply me so fast!!!
        yes sj or snsd do very hard work by nonstop, ahh poor them.
        and i wanna ask u if i want to know some from siwoo’s message abt the reaction of other members’s fans to hangeng, can u tell me privately?
        i really want to know this.
        luv luv u.

      • onepinetree says:

        I am on line now :)… are you talking about after the lawsuit?

        We geng fans did not really talk about other members or other mambers’ fans at our blogs after the lawsuit since it’s the litigation between Han Geng and SME.

        I am sharing only those entries that were written before the lawsuit that talked about SME’s unfair treatments and some ANTI-fans, so-called ONLY 12 fans.

        If you are curious about other member fans’ reactions to Han Geng’s lawsuit, then there is nothing I can share with you. Sorry T.T

    • onepinetree says:

      I am on line now :)… are you talking about after the lawsuit?

      We geng fans did not really talk about other members or their fans at our blogs after the lawsuit since it’s the litigation between Han Geng and SME.

      I am sharing only those entries that were written before the lawsuit and that talked about SME’s unfair treatments and some ANTI-fans, so-called ONLY 12 fans.

      If you are curious about other member fans’ reactions to Han Geng’s lawsuit, then there is nothing I can share with you. Sorry T.T

  6. bristlegrass says:

    Pinetree, thank you so much for translating Si Woo’s article!

    I can imagine how difficult for you to translate these issues…

    I always feel angry even by just reading it…It’s been a while that my hands were even shaking when I was typing only12’s “slogan” ==

    • onepinetree says:

      I will never understand those only 12 antis in China when all Korean ELFS who support ONlY 13 are supporting Han Geng at this litigation!

  7. Gengfan says:

    Thanks for translating!! I didn’t know about this…. :(:(:( </3

    I love the Geng Fans in China for doing the yellow banner… it really touched my heart that they didn't give up.. 🙂 jia you!!

    But isn't it weird that Geng Fans couldn't get tickets? D;;; I could understand how.. Since its a forum for all of SJ, they could just tell the person in charge that they're a fan of Leeteuk or some other member right? So they can get the ticket?

    • onepinetree says:

      Yes, you are right. So many of Han Geng fans had to pretend as if they were other members’ fans. That really happened. But that only worked for the small number. But I am not sure about hundreds of fans.

      Most of events were about SJM activities so.. Han GEng fans were the most majority. For example, the OPPO meeting, the tickets were passed to SJM group fans first, so they were able to take the prime zones. Then fans of Korean members, then other Chinese members such as Henry and ZHoumi, not for Han Geng fans. THat’s why most of them were seated on the second floor.

      Think about Han Geng fans… who had to pretend to be other members’ fans…
      How sad is that? ???

      What’s wrong with being Han Geng fans?

      By the way, I have to be honest with you…

      It’s up to you whether you believe all those stories as facts or not.

      But I don’t really have energy to deal with such doubts about things occurred to Han geng.

      This litigation procedure requires 100% of your heart as Han Geng fans.
      If you can not put your heart 100%, then you are already defeated to the SME as a Han Geng fan.

      I wish you could understand what I am trying to say here.

      Do you have any doubts? Do you want to see hard evidences?

      Then I have to ask you back… ARE YOU believing in Han Geng with 100% of your heart? If you are not sure about your own heart, then how come you can support Han Geng till the end of this litigation?

      I really hope you can get my point here.

      • Gengfan says:

        I believe. 101% with my whole heart!!!

        My question up there was only because i’m curious. I never heard of this D; and it really breaks my heart ): how could SME be so cruel D;;

        My previous questions at your previous posts was because: since i’m spreading the word of these articles, people have been asking me about how true it is, and I just can’t answer back since I don’t know a lot about the topic. It’s my first time to read these issues, I can’t read Chinese and Korean and there’s not much translated English articles. I was just asking you so maybe I could have something to tell them.

        For me I don’t need real hard and solid evidences, I totally believe everything that is happening. Everything makes sense.. I just asked those questions for those who are having doubts.. D;

        Please don’t misinterpret me. ):

      • onepinetree says:

        I see, one advice for you is that do not try to persuade all.
        That’s not gonna work. It will make you worn-out.
        You cannot persuade everyone regarding this litigation.

        You just link this blog or si woo’s blog. Then the rest will be up to people who read the posts.

        If they want to believe in them, then they will believe in. If they don’t want to believe in, then they will ask for more evidences.

        So, you don’t really have to deal with those people who are not in your side anyway.

        These posts will only strengthen those who already supported Han Geng or love Han Geng from the heart. These posts will help them understand Han Geng better.

        These posts won’t have any impact on those people who are already against Han Geng. So… please..don’t hard on yourself by trying to persuade every one around you.

        That’s not gonna work.

      • Gengfan says:

        Alright, thanks onepinetree sis 🙂 Thanks a lot! :):)

  8. please34 says:

    I admire all of those gengfans T.T
    we always have our way to show our love to him.

    whatever will happen in the futureใ
    i’m sure we will seek and find the same way again…
    eventhough we will have a bar to cross…we will do
    for HANGENG…

    thank you for translating this!
    ^^ take care and fighting …

  9. rascalkitten says:


    There’s something in this world that you have to use your HEART to see it.

    Some important things can’t be seen with the eyes but with the MIND.

    We gather here because we all love and support HanGeng. We cannot see how much this love and support are but we all feel that they’re really exist and they’re REAL.

    • onepinetree says:

      Thank you for your reply.. you just said what I wanted to say… T.T

      Do you remember Han Geng’s cy entry right after the lawsuit?
      He said that he was fine.. and that he believed in us that we would be with him!

      Han Geng wanted our heartful support! As a fan, I am so happy that I can show him my heart at here.. yes.. Han Geng.. I am here… loving you, believing in you, and waiting for you with 100% of my heart.

      Although this blog is not really accessible from China… = =;

    • Gengfan says:

      I know, i’m sorry if I offended anyone in my posts D;;;

      I really feel happy when i’m visiting this blog, I always get a feeling of togetherness and that we’re here to support our Hangeng no matter what. With their words, with all our hearts, it’s indescribable.

      • onepinetree says:

        Dear Gengfan,

        Don’t worry. I am not offended. I am just tired of those people who asked for the evidences, becuase that’s the core of this litigation.

        SME will disapprove any evidences that Han Geng would bring to the court. So.. when some people talk about evidences, they are already in SME’s side. The end of discussion. Any evidences HAn Geng will bring, the SME will disapprove and… if Han Geng cannot prove anything that supports his position then… he will lose in this litigation.

        So when people come to my blog and ask for evidences, then most of them are already disapproving Han Geng’s lawsuit. That’s my experience at Naver’s blog since the lawsuit.

        Running the Naver’s blog, I had dealt with such people enough. Unfortunately those people who disapprove Han Geng’s lawsuit and challenge Si Woo’s posts are not general public but fans of SJM members in Korea. So, that’s why I kept emphasizing that this is litigation between Han Geng and the SME, not SJ, SJM or the fans.

        But I have never experienced such questions from our own Geng fans.

        Since your ID is gengfan,I thought you have been a long-time geng fan. So, it really made me feel confused. Ok, this lady calls herself as a gengfan, but does not believe in what all of Geng fans knew in both Korea and China.

        So how did you know about Han geng and how did you fall in love with him as much to name yourself as a Gengfan? I am just curious.

      • Gengfan says:

        Whoa!!! That’s exactly what I thought…

        After reading all these post and my comments, I thought to myself. Wtf, I don’t think i should have used Gengfan as my id, D;;; I don’t know him well enough like these guys know him 😦

        I just used Gengfan since it’s the first thing that popped to my mind when thinking of a username.

        That’s right, I’m so annoyed that I can’t understand either Korean and Chinese.. I didn’t know all of this was happening.. D; D;

        I really really just wanted to help, but okay, I learned my lesson.. I really hope you don’t get me wrong.. ):

      • bristlegrass says:

        Dear Gengfan, I think you misunderstand Pinetree’s point…I think she’s just curious about how you get to know Han Geng and become his fan, since most of us shared that before ^^

      • Gengfan says:

        @bristlegrass, oh, I thought she was attacking me since i’m not a good “gengfan” since I don’t know these stuff D;;;;;;;

        about me, i’m a fairly new gengfan, I saw the Supergirl MV two weeks after its release – so around October of last year. (My friends and I were talking about clothes to wear for a party, then one of my friends told me I should go find a red tube, like what Jessica wore on Supergirl. Yeah, we was a Sone. 🙂 I actually ignored her! lol! Then she showed me this picture: .From there, I knew, I REALLY REALLY knew I had to meet this handsome guy. There’s just something about him that attracts me.)

        That’s it. On October, I joined a Super Junior forum and have been reading a lot about what happened to Hangeng, about his hardships in the first part of his career, about opening a dumpling store for his mom, etc.. Then I became a fan of ,I have been reading your posts all the time but I don’t really comment.

        Your story about him being the “Poorest star in China” is what really got me, I couldn’t believe that such a person exists. He is perfect, He is really the boy of my dreams. He’s so selfless and I couldn’t imagine a person NOT loving Hangeng. He is a real jewel. He has a good heart and has been an inspiration to many, including me.

  10. bristlegrass says:

    It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom,
    it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity,
    it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair,
    we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven,
    we were all going direct the other way–in short, the period was so. far like the present period,
    that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

    by Charles Dickens

  11. Thank u for sharing and translating sweet sweet pinetree ^__^ *take care of your health*

    I’ll just support him, believe in him and love him from here… (though I’m missing him in
    this period of time XD) Hope everything will turn out for the better ^_^

    @bristlegrass: beautiful wordings of Dickens <33

  12. jterap says:

    I’m supporting Han Geng with all my heart. Right now I feel that I have to take a side, and I’m choosing Han Geng over Super Junior. I’ll always support Super Junior, but right now I’m making Han Geng my priority. Your translations help renew my spirit so I can keep supporting him when I hear others saying negative things, so thank you for doing this for us.

    • bristlegrass says:

      Thank you so much for supporting Han Geng!!!

      I am very impressed by one Korean elf’s supporting message “I think I started loving not only Super Junior itself but also every single member since I don’t know when…I strongly hope things will get better: those unfair conditions for Han Geng brother, inappropriate business practices of SM, and so on…I really hope Han Geng brother gets well in any ways”

      Now, it is Han Geng in the worst situation…I think he deserves such love and support.

      As a gengfan, I sincerely hope each member of Super Junior would be happy and have a bright future.

  13. Sarah says:

    I’m so sad when read this article…crying crying and crying…
    Why should him?
    Why should Han Geng treated like this by his own company?
    I can’t accept that…
    Han Geng had to do many great things for his company…why SME do such dirty things like that?
    I cannot understand…really really confuse…
    Thank you so much for Onepinetree sister…You did great things for us, for Han Geng, and for all that didn’t know anything about situation around Han Geng, including me…thank you so much…
    I’ll spread this on my facebook..hope you’ll permit me…Thank you..^_^

  14. Sharon says:

    My heart goes out to these fans of Hangeng, young girls who are kind and innocent. Facing these ordeals, they never think of getting a revenge. These things just strengthen their support to Hangeng. They console each other by encouraging themselves to stay strong and promising to support Geng harder next time.

    While fans of other members support their idols in such an evil way (they thought they were, actually they were destroying their idols’ image. Many fans became only Gengfans in this way!), these things bring out the best qualities of Gengfans.

    BTW, pinetree, I bet Geng knows about you too! You are a celebrity at Gengbar! Take care of your health, you are doing a very meaningful and educational thing here!

    And all the Mamas, sisters and girls here, fighting!
    All of you and Hangeng will have good luck in the year of TIGER!

  15. yuki-j says:

    long story
    long comments

    words are poor

    • Gengfan says:

      Why comment if you don’t have anything nice to say?

      It’s hard to translate these articles and WE really appreciate them.

    • Fiona says:

      Hey pea brain, you mean yours? Your english is pathetic!! I wonder why are u reading in the first place.

      • onepinetree says:

        Please Yuki is my personal friend… and very devoted Han Geng fan…

        To visit my blog, she has to use some kind of program since this blog is not accessible from the mainland China. Also she is the one who keeps spread my blog here and there.

        Many of video clips or picures I share here are from her information.

        Do not misunderstand her… please….

    • bristlegrass says:

      = =

      Okay, please calm down, girls…

      and yes…yuki means her English is poor…she means that it is long translation and so many long comments, she admires that so much, but it is hard for her to read and leave similar good comment here…

      She explained it to me…and I help her explain it here.

  16. yue7geng says:

    Thank you….lovely one pine tree^_^….I am so appreciate that you built this English web site for Geng….this is really a good source for people who love geng but don’t understand Chinese….
    I saw Geng in real when sjm is in Macao two years ago…I remembered his smile on face…just a smile…then I felt that he must be a warm and kind person….
    I think Gengfans are really different from other star’s fans….
    Gengfan are more mature, sensitive, emotional, careful,and warmhearted just like Geng….onece we become Gengfan…we will not change idoles forever….
    I want to say… To people who love Geng, please love deeply and continueslly….To people who do not like Geng, please just go away and don’t hurt him….
    I want to say…to meet geng and gengfan….are the most beatiful things in my life…
    Geng..Happy birthday…we will always be here just for you…

  17. sa_chan85 says:

    thanks for your trans, Pinetree
    love him more
    happy birthday to Geng gege!

  18. Wishing for Geng's happiness says:

    Hiii, sorry to be so well, ignorant, but is this source reliable?
    I’ve heard that Hangeng has endured a lot, not just with these behind the scenes problems, but I just really hoped it isn’t true, because surely, this itself is against human rights.

    Although, I am most upset to hear about the anti-Geng fans… I wondered if there were such people since he is the only Chinese person in a Korean idol band, but really, I just hoped people weren’t racist, so there aren’t.

    @”If you are curious about other member fans’ reactions to Han Geng’s lawsuit, then there is nothing I can share with you. Sorry T.T”
    I wish we knew something though, I feel that Hangeng must be so lonely if he can’t hear anything from the members.

    I really applaud you though for translating this lengthy article, I hope it’s not true, for the sake of Hangeng’s happiness, but also it is true, so that he can win the case, he deserves to have the freedom he wants, it’s his life, he should have the right to choose if he wishes to promote something or not.
    >.> Why should his contract be so different?

    Actually, I’m really happy to see you telling more about the truth and giving support, I hope Hangeng knows that his fans are everywhere and our love will overcome the hate. (Woweee, cheesey. XD)

    Hangeng, please don’t be lonely.
    Wishing for your happiness~
    (Sorry for being so unarticulate, but aishhh, too many thoughts and feelings ^^;;)

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